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one gonna heal my body, another gonna heal my pain

one gonna settle me down, then bring me back up again

first things first +
my username is from when i was 14, i'm a little over it, and it's too much work to change everything to a new name.
information +
i don't update very often, because my brain won't slow down enough to allow me to dictate understandable events, but i love reading about my friends. i'm at a point in my life where i have no fucking clue what the next step is, and the throws of depression come and go. i don't become active until night, though i work during the day, so i'm constantly sleep deprived. i have family issues, and plenty of personal issues on top of that. i value honesty, and absolutely hate passive aggressive people, which livejournal seems to bring out of the woodworks (seriously - it's like toddlers run the place!). i like animals, occasionally children. that's about it.
quotes +
"what is success? to laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived; this is to have succeeded." - emerson

"the only thing that separates me from the animals is a lot of words, so when i'm not talking much, the gap closes really quick" - brian andreas
read it +
when i was a puppy, i entertained you with my antics and made you laugh. you called me your child, and despite a number of chewed shoes and a couple of murdered throw pillows, i became your best friend. ...

whenever i was "bad," you'd shake your finger at me and ask, 'how could you?' -- but then you'd relent and roll me over for a belly rub. my housebreaking took a little longer than expected, because you were terribly busy, but we worked on that together.

i remember those nights of nuzzling you in bed and listening to your confidences and secret dreams, and i believed that life could not be any more perfect.

we went for long walks and runs in the park, car rides, stops for ice cream (i only got the cone because 'ice cream is bad for dogs' you said), and i took long naps in the sun waiting for you to come home at the end of the day.

gradually, you began spending more time at work and on your career, and more time searching for a human mate. i waited for you patiently, comforted you through heartbreaks and disappointments, never chided you about bad decisions, and romped with glee at your homecomings, and when you fell in love.

she, now your wife is not a 'dog person' -- still i welcomed her into our home, tried to show her affection, and obeyed her. i was happy because you were happy.

then the human babies came along and i shared your excitement. i was fascinated by their pinkness, how they smelled, and i wanted to mother them, too. only she and you worried that i might hurt them, and i spent most of my time banished to another room, or to a dog crate.

oh, how i wanted to love them, but i became a prisoner of love.

ss they began to grow, i became their friend. they clung to my fur and pulled themselves up on wobbly legs, poked fingers in my eyes, investigated my ears, and gave me kisses on my nose. i loved every thing about them and their touch -- because your touch was now so infrequent -

and i would have defended them with my life if need be. i would sneak into their beds and listen to their worries and secret dreams, and together we waited for the sound of your car in the driveway.

there had been a time, when others asked you if you had a dog, that you produced a photo of me from your wallet and told them stories about me. these past few years, you just answered "yes" and changed the subject. i had gone from being "your dog" to 'just a dog,' and you resented every expenditure on my behalf.

now, you have a new career opportunity in another city, and you and they will be moving to an apartment that does not allow pets. you've made the right decision for your 'family,' but there was a time when I was your only family.

i was excited about the car ride until we arrived at the animal shelter. it smelled of dogs and cats, of fear, of hopelessness. you filled out the paperwork and said, 'i know you will find a good home for her.' they shrugged and gave you a pained look. they understand the realities facing a middle-aged dog, even one with 'papers.'

you had to pry your son's fingers loose from my collar, as he screamed, no, daddy please don't let them take my dog!' and I worried for him, and what lessons you had just taught him about friendship and loyalty, about love and responsibility, and about respect for all life.

you gave me a good-bye pat on the head, avoided my eyes, and politely refused to take my collar and leash with you. you had a deadline to meet and now i have one, too. after you left, the two nice ladies said you probably knew about your upcoming move months ago and made no attempt to find me another good home. they shook their heads and asked, 'how could you?'

they are as attentive to us here in the shelter as their busy schedules allow. they feed us, of course, but i lost my appetite days ago. at first, whenever anyone passed my pen, i rushed to the front, hoping it was you that you had changed your mind -- that this was all a bad dream... or i hoped it would at least be someone who cared, anyone who might save me.

when i realized i could not compete with the frolicking for attention of happy puppies, oblivious to their own fate, i retreated to a far corner and waited.

i heard her footsteps as she came for me at the end of the day, and i padded along the aisle after her to a separate room. a blissfully quiet room. she placed me on the table and rubbed my ears, and told me not to worry. my heart pounded in anticipation of what was to come, but there was also a sense of relief. the prisoner of love had run out of days.

as is my nature, i was more concerned about her. the burden that she bears weighs heavily on her, and I know that, the same way i knew your every mood.

she gently placed a to turniquet around my foreleg as a tear ran down her cheek. i licked her hand in the same way i used to comfort you so many years ago.

she expertly slid the hypodermic needle into my vein. as i felt the sting and the cool liquid coursing through my body, i lay down sleepily, looked into her kind eyes and murmured, 'how could you?'

perhaps because she understood my dogspeak, she said, 'I'm so sorry.' she hugged me, and hurriedly explained it was her job to make sure i went to a better place, where i wouldn't be ignored or abused or abandoned, or have to fend for myself --a place of love and light so very different from this earthly place.

and with my last bit of energy, i tried to convey to her with a thump of my tail that my 'how could you?' was not directed at her. it was directed at you, my beloved master; i was thinking of you. i will think of you and wait for you forever.

may everyone in your life continue to show you so much loyalty.

note: i didn't write this. however, it's here because i want to make it clear how adamant i am about animals and the rights they deserve. this is everyone of them at the shelter's story. when you get a pet, it's a lifetime commitment.
p.s. +
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credits: profile codes

French Bulldog is Love

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